Sometimes it all falls down

Forgive me if this post isn't necessarily picture intensive. It will most likely be more word intensive.

I had a meltdown tonight in the shower. I miss Great Nana a lot and I really wish that I could have spent more time with her and learned more from her.

This morning we had our critique in our photography class and I had no clue that it would be so emotional. My presentation that I had of course was emotional for me because it represented something very near and dear to me that I recently lost. But through everyone's journeys through their own photographs I was reminded very much that humans experience grief and loss and that everyone needs something stable in life to get them through.

One classmate took us through a series of images where she was sitting in a chair at a table with an empty chair next to her and all these props representing the things that she and this missing person shared together. Within the first few images you knew that she had lost someone very important to her. It was very hard for her to even explain most of the images because the emotion was still so strong from losing her friend.

Another classmate had felt as if her childhood was robbed from her and then later on in life her fiance passed away.

Another classmate recently lost her grandfather who was like a father figure to her and since then her life has been spiraling downwards.

It was a tough realization that so many people have been through so much hurt.

But even through all of the crap these people represented their life in such a beautiful way, which in turn made them even more beautiful.

It was strange. I wasn't expecting that kind of intensity from a photography critique.

This post might all be a jumbled mess of words and nonsense, but I needed to release.

Even though it was difficult it was all the more inspiring for me to see that photography can tell such emotional and poignant stories and it makes me want to tell more stories with my images.

This next image isn't from my DSLR but I think it is still beautiful. Gotta love my iPhone and the Hipstamatic app.

Full of Grace

When I heard that she had passed I knew I wanted to change my focus for my current photography assignment. The assignment was to do "Self Portraits" but the challenge was to not have your face in any of the images. The goal was to capture something in a series of 8 cohesive images that represented a part of who you are or something that is important to you.

The day after I heard Great Nana had passed I went to the store and bought a single rose. This rose was going to be in every image that I shot and would represent Great Nana's presence in my life or influence in my life. Besides the compassion that she had for her very own family her greatest impression that she left in my life was her dedication and commitment to Great Papa. 71 years of marriage is such a beautiful thing when you think about it. Josh and I have only really known each other for 5 years but we've created so many beautiful memories together. What could happen in 71 years? Myriads of memories.

These images represent memories that Great Nana has given to me in my life or lessons to live by that she's exemplified. She is my beautiful rose and she always will be. Always full of grace.

  

I wanted the image with my wedding dress because it was so meaningful to me to have Great Nana and Great Papa at my wedding.

 

I have very fond memories of the old player piano at the house on Raintree that Great Nana and Great Papa had in their basement.

 

She was just so beautiful. Always so beautiful.

Saying Goodbye

This is the letter that I wrote to my Great Nana last night and left with her today.

Dear Great Nana,

I cannot even begin to thank you for the example of beauty and grace that you've been in my life. Looking around the room today I was reminded again of how many people you have impacted in your life. Your love, commitment and loyalty to your husband are the very reason that so many of us are here today. As I was talking to Great Papa he was joking about how Josh and I are novices at the whole marriage thing, and with only 2 1/2 years under our belt compared to your 71 years, I'd have to agree. If Josh and I with our marriage could impact half of the people that you and Great Papa did, I'd consider myself blessed. It's really hard saying goodbye. Even after 90 years of life, you were taken too soon. One thing that resounded today about you that really struck me is that you lived life to the fullest. You loved life and wanted to drink every last sip of this beautiful life. And that you did, and you fought to the very end. I want to take that mentality and attitude about life and run with it. You will be missed so very very much. Just know that we all love you so very much and your place in our life will always be so prominent. You've really done a great thing, Nan. We'll take good care of each other, I promise. Until we see each other again...

Much love,

Audrey

Today was a difficult day, but with my family around we all made it through. My family is such a precious gem to me. I really am blessed to have so many great people in my family. Even though it was sad it was still a beautiful day.

My dad's cousin Gina spoke beautifully of Great Nana and Great Papa and their life together. Definitely a very touching moment that was a reminder of how precious life and love is.

 a flower from the arrangement on her casket

After the funeral the whole family gathered for lunch and I'm so glad we did. I feel like through Great Nana's death we were all brought closer. 

We all had a Manhattan in honor of her. She drank one almost every day. It was something simple we could do but it was still very beautiful. 

Great Nana, thank you for everything you have been and will be in my life. I really want to live my life like you did. To the fullest.

Cheers to you and the beautiful life you've lived.

A Woman So Timeless and Beautiful

I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this today. It might be a couple of posts throughout the week as I process everything.

Today, my beautiful Great Nana passed away.

When dad told me, it hit me like a brick. My mind starts racing with thoughts.

"Why like this?'
"Why didn't I visit more often?"
"Why do I not see my family more often when they're all so close."

This whole month has been absolutely horrendous. It's been one thing on top of another and I didn't think I could handle one more thing and then it all ends with this.

I'm just not emotionally prepared to deal with this right now. I absolutely hate seeing people that I love so much so sad.

Parts of me are sad that she's gone, she was a wonderful, wonderful woman. Besides my own mother and my Nana, she's seriously one of the most beautiful people on the planet. She just radiates warmth, compassion and gentleness. Her marriage to my Great Papa has been and will always be an example of loyalty and true love. She lived a long and rich life though and for that I am very grateful, and I'm so thankful that she was such a huge part of my life.

The family was recently all pulled together for the celebration of Great Nana and Great Papa's 70th wedding anniversary. It was one of the most beautiful and meaningful days of my life. Looking around and seeing all of these people that they had an impact on was truly a profound thing. All of these people essentially existed because of these two wonderful people. I was completely moved by the whole day and so glad that I could be there to share in that day.

Most of me is sad because people that I love have lost someone so dear. My Great Papa has lost his best friend, my Nana has lost her mom, my dad and his siblings and cousins have lost their Nana, and me and countless other cousins and second cousins have lost their Great Nana, and even for some, a great great grandma.

I'm just not ready to deal with the sadness of the funeral. I know that we will be celebrating such a beautiful life, but there's still a loss.

It's times like these where I just want to embrace the people that I love and never let go but then I regret that it's situations like these that encourage me to remind the people I love how much I love them. It really puts a lot of things into perspective.

I know that this is a photography blog and this has nothing to do with photography, but I needed a place to go. I think I've changed my plans for my next assignment but I won't reveal what it is until it's done.

Great Nana, you will be missed so much.

I'm ending this for now with what she wrote to me a few years ago at my wedding shower.

"Dear Audrey!

Kiss him in the morning! Cuddle at night! Keep "God" as your best Friend!- Great Nana Helen Singer"

I will Nana, I will.

Love you.




(thanks to Gina for this beautiful picture)

Ree Drummond...you are brilliant.

 

After downloading the Pioneer Woman Photoshop Actions, I feel like I just can't stop editing photos. She has made photo editing so simple by creating these lovely filters. If only the lab at school was open all night long. 

A girl can dream.

For now, I'll just continue to oogle over the awesomeness of this amazing find. Thanks Pioneer Woman.

Then Lightning Struck

Our current photography assignment might be my favorite but most challenging assignment yet. It requires us to really think outside of the box. The assignment is "Self Portraits" but the challenge is to not include your face in the picture. The assignment is supposed to be 8 cohesive photos that express some aspect of yourself. Something in each photo needs to have a unifying theme.

Well, I am so awesome, which part of myself do I pick??

My gorgeous looks, my awesome body, my charm, my wit???

Enough, enough.

No really. It's tough. What part of me do I feel I can share in a series of pictures? Something that's intriguing enough and creative enough that when expressed in photos it is appealing to the human eye.

I'm loving and cherish friendships, but I was afraid going around and taking pictures of people in love or people with their friends was just too generic.

Then lightning struck. Exploring. Travel. Adventure.
WAHBAM!

I found an old suitcase at an antique mall and it is traveling all around with me. I find something inspiring and grab the suitcase and put it in the frame. I wanted to find things around St. Louis that have some sort of sentimental value or connection to places I have been or will be going hopefully in my life.

I just started yesterday but snapped a few pictures with the ole suitcase. Now these aren't the final edited versions of the pictures, just what I could pull together here at home.

Tonight we had a beautiful lightning storm. St. Louis hasn't really seen rain in awhile so it was quite welcomed. I decided to try my hand at capturing lightning, which in and of itself is very challenging. When it's so dark outside you really have to have the lowest aperture, mine was at a 3.5, the lowest it can go, and then you need a really slow shutter speed so you can allow whatever light there is in to the camera. The tricky thing about lightning is that it moves so dang fast so what would be ideal is to have a super super low aperture and a higher shutter speed, something like 1/400th of a second, rather than 1/3 of a second like I was shooting at. The only problem is that my camera only has so much potential at the moment. So I worked with what I could. I still caught some beautiful photos and can't complain about the nice evening I had out on the deck.

 

I love this photo in particular because it was actually relatively dark at the time I took this. I just love the soft glow of all of the street lights and the remaining sunlight in the sky.

 

See the lightning in the corner? GO ME!

 

I like it when lightning strikes.

The Challenges of Portrait Photography

As much as I love being around people I'm not quite sure how I feel about taking pictures of them. It's quite the challenge. I was also working against time and light in this most recent assignment and I feel like the other elements won.

A barn in a grassy field doesn't mind how long you take photographing it. A leaf floating in a body of water has as much time in the world as it takes to disappear out of the frame of your camera. With people you have to deal with distractions, movement, and time. I don't want to waste people's time. And as gracious as all of my models were for this assignment it was a struggle to feel natural doing a staged "photoshoot".

Half of my images printed and turned in were taken in very low light situations and I refused to use an on camera flash with the images. I wanted to learn how to manipulate the controls on my camera to get the correct exposure and work with the lighting I had.

I wanted environments that were appealing to the eye and compositions that weren't your standard 3/4 body shot portrait. I took pictures of two friends down on a dark city street with the only lighting being from the street lights, lights from bars and restaurants, and cars passing by. I took pictures of a newborn baby in the comforts of his own home. He was a wonderful model, (thank you Flint and Bizzy), but you can't expect a newborn baby to lay still. So having the low light and the movement of a baby definitely posed a challenge.

Also with my schedule, I had a hard time arranging to meet up with people for things so I couldn't quite be as creative as I had hoped. I definitely want to keep tackling portrait photography, but it's definitely been the most challenging thing to learn so far.

Here are a few of my images from the assignment. Some of them have been edited in Photoshop and some have just been edited with Picasa, because sadly that's all I have at home.